@dave_cactus

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

@dave_cactus

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

@dave_cactus

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

@dave_cactus

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

@dave_cactus

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

@dave_cactus

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

@dave_cactus

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

@dave_cactus

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

@dave_cactus

ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.

@dave_cactus

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?