*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!