My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
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Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
They got Raph!
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married