“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda


ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head


ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot



waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot


cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you


[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot



WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it



DAD: i’ll have the chicken



me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you


Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave


[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner