ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*


INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it




me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda


Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire


just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real


DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news

SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time


“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda


ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head


ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot



waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot