@fro_vo

ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*

@fro_vo

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

@fro_vo

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

@fro_vo

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

@fro_vo

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

@fro_vo

DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news

SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time

@fro_vo

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

@fro_vo

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

@fro_vo

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

@fro_vo

[restaurant]

waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot