I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course