I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
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Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
decorating my apartment
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.