Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
looks legit
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
not to brag, but mine was free
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
