“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.