@noog

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

@noog

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

@noog

Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”

@noog

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

@noog

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

@noog

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

@noog

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

@noog

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

@noog

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.