They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why