@notalogin

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

@notalogin

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

@notalogin

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.

@notalogin

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

@notalogin

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

@notalogin

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.

@notalogin

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

@notalogin

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

@notalogin

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

@notalogin

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.