I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.