My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.