“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
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“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Jail
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.