HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”