Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
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13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
this is me
BRAKING NEWS!!
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
new record!
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.