I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
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When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Florida be like…
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.