After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
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“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.