Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
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I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*