him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
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Is your wife single?
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
The devil.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.