Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
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you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.