My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though