Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
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Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.