6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
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*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
🙂🐾
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
the battle rages on
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.