When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
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Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
dictator is short for richard potato
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!