me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
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Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
my favorite genre of twitter
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.