I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
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I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?