“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
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oh you like architecture? name three walls
Traveler’s camo
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim