I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
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Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.