therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
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I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
britain’s three elite institutions