[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
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When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I know this now 😂
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.