Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
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A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse