magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
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A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece