I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
😅🤣😂
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Every time.