what could possibly go wrong?
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I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.