A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
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Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.