Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
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awesome draft from months ago i just found
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
*pokes sex life with a stick
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
this makes me so uncomfortable
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”