Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
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If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me