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Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.