I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
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Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.