it’s finally my moment to shine
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when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training