If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
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You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Me trying to reach for my goals
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.