“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
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I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Based Erika
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.