If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
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Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
just gave your address to some spiders