I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
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take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Challenge accepted.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.