who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
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Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
knights of the ikea table
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.