Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
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People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much