DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
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Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed