A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
You Might Also Like
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.