I can’t wait!
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I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Modded the new Gran Turismo
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me