Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
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The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird